My liver just broke up with me...
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
