I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
