Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
