Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
