i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
not ubering you a puppy
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
