You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
