I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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