I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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