The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
