There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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