I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Randomize
