You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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