for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
