hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
