Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
