My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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