I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
