I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
