so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
