Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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