America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
