I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize