Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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