I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
