i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
