Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
