You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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