Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
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woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
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i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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