So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
