Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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