i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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