My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
