Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Panties = found
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
