We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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