I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
