i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
