I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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