I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
