I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
