awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
