i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
God I need to hump something, right now.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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