Betty ford says i'm here all night
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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