Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
