At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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