i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
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