i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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