there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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