I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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