Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
