Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
