I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
