Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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