i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
